Saturday, June 11, 2005

Recess Files... Contd...

Unfilled.........................

I have not felt so lonely as I have today and I wonder if this loneliness is greater than any kind in the world because it is heavy… it is so heavy… weighing down on me… incessantly… I don’t think there is anyone who could feel this lonely yet I am… why am I lonely… you ask? Aren’t you… lonely? Think about it… those people you know, those people you know oh so well seem so distant don’t they… and I am alone… there is no point anymore is there… of being close to the closest of those around you…? Because it still feels empty… lonely... voids… holes that nobody seems to fill… and I wonder why… are the gaps too big?? Are they too deep?? Everybody seems lost… wondering… we stand in front of each other but they are all lost to me… I don’t know what I am staring into anymore… standing in front of the mirror also confronted by the strangeness I see…

Its dark oh so dark right now in my head, and I don’t like it too be this dark it is scary… because once the world that I built inside my head was pretty… filled with beautiful things.. no lies… everything was correct… and now I drift from my present delusions… and I realize it never really was pretty to begin with… was only deluding myself all this time… aren’t we all…? Constantly searching I was for my missing halves… the pieces to this intricate jigsaw… but I fear maybe there is no half there are no pieces… but I will die searching.. this much I know… and maybe ill find them and maybe I won’t… but I tell myself that to make it better… it really isn’t is it? Better...? It hurts sometimes when I stand here in front of myself and see this emptiness… naked… looking at those scars that run across my gaping chasms… and it dawns on me that we have all become empty vessels of our former selves and that… its futile I have realized searching or rather reaching out to people… now I only reach out to Him… so that I have some sort of peace…some sort of love… some sort of reassurance that this barrenness is temporary… but this very longing is consuming me… withdrawing me from myself… caving in... making me sink into the abyss of my own soul… intangible…

So now this journey begins to an outward path… and I am wanting to care but know one lets me… telling myself that I am strong yet I am needy… that I am dependant yet not quite… then again we are all needy and dependant I guess? Tiredness fatigues my limbs because I have been running too long too fast to too many places and crying again because I have too many people dependant on me… and me on no one… I can not sever myself from them… pitiful humans… yet none for myself… I am tired of them… yet they are my salvation, I have recently discovered… and so as things may seem I have chosen to be the chalice for them... His creation… the purpose of my emptiness… and I choose to be lost forever… never to be found… never to be remembered… why? It was inevitable! I have given up on man because there is no salvation for them and I shall be their savior… I kneel before Him and I pray in whispers and I say “Make their sins unto mine… their hurt make it mine…”

For this is my destiny… and take me into your arms now… for you wouldn’t have me any other way… for I am the Sin Eater…

NOTE: this will be my last work for sometime... but this is where it ends for me for I dont know when... though i have many more things to share... lets see... love to all for being so good to me... strange huh? khair takecare all! :D Also ill be dropping by with my comments... cant leave completely... hehehe!!!

14 Comments:

Blogger Sadaff said...

ozeeeee nahiiiiiiiiiiiiii
u cant leave
no no no
*cries*
my band member to be along wid tasha begam
no not fair

jokes aside yaar nahi ur suchan important part of my blogging family. i deny you the right to leave. yeh kia hai yaar!!

ugh
and here i was gonna rcommend u a few more books. not fair.
no leavin and i jus came back to blogging after a while
*sad face*
dont go na !!!

2:10 PM  
Blogger Natasha said...

you can't leave bus! sadaf initiate the masterplan. pronto!

2:47 PM  
Blogger Ozair said...

im not leaving yaar... or going anywhere... im still here... will be crusin by your places regularly! :) just will not be posting any more of my stuff... till ... dont know when!! :D hehehe! but nahi yaar band member i am!! We'll rock!! :D aur natasha!! bhai whats this masterplan... :D sounds dangerous! and i aint going nowhere...

5:34 PM  
Blogger Ozair said...

miss lady:thats what ill be doing!!:D

10:31 AM  
Blogger Sadaff said...

NO u r staying.
warna me n tasha launch mean master plan

pweeeeeeeezeeeeeeeeeee
*poutty lip**
**tries cute face, doesnt wrk**
damn
get the idea na!!!pueeeeeeeeeezzze

1:32 PM  
Blogger Natasha said...

hahahaha. dar jao ozair. :D

6:04 PM  
Blogger Nauman said...

I liked it a lot.

However, I must say that this is way too serious and emotional stuff coming from a young person.

What's going on?

7:57 PM  
Blogger Ozair said...

sadaf!! : yaar main kaheen bhee nahi jaa raha!! i m still here just wont be posting for a while!! :D!! dont worray be happay!! :D

Tasha!! : to tell u honestly im scared! hahaha! :D!! bhut tum bhee to ja rahee ho nah?? as in temoprarily disconnected!? :D!!

Nauman!! : dude... is it alright i call u dude...? khair... thanks for likin it!! yay!! :D!

8:26 PM  
Blogger Natasha said...

LOLz. nauman i'm guessing girl problems. ozair you're hiding something!!!! where is me and sadaf's bhabi???? i'm sorry for this lameness right now. lack of oxygen to the head. don't mind!! :P. and haan i posted something up.i couldn't help myself.

8:17 PM  
Blogger Ozair said...

hahahah! i dont mind !! :D!! no i dont have women problems... hahah!!

3:10 AM  
Blogger Ozair said...

hahaha! no not induced by that movie... but yes i saw the movie at a friends after i actually wrote this... :D and wen i meant last post i meant the one below...

7:56 AM  
Blogger Ozair said...

i would love to agree with you... but i dont entirely :D i have chosen alright... and u see all that we do is pray! thats our problem! if something were to come of praying then happen it would have already! there would be peace through out the land! The question is why DO WE PRAY? hmmm... its controversial... to each his own reasons... but i pray to remember Him... not to ask Him of things... simply to remember Him... converse with Him... and if i choose His ppl... to be their salvation... i dont view it as a dangerous path... for He no doubt is almighty and all merciful... but it is for us to be merciful... to help... to be the saviour of something as insignificant as a frog... there are no trapping in love... and i speak of love untainted by anything material or otherwise... is it wrong to love His ppl? after all there were many who graced this planet... and they all loved Him... and through His ppl found His love... God will not test me... He already is... and i am not afraid of taking the exam... nor should anyone be... :D as for Satan... isnt he already misleading us... look around... look... i mean really look... can u honestly look into a persons face and truely see... you will see that he has already mislead us... we were born astray... no one... and i mean no ONE... was brought to the right path by coincidence... and thus in all eventuality... we have to find our way to Him... as for humblness.. the days of humility are long gone... so it seems... id like to say i am humble... but lets see... :D as for my emptiness... it was all metaphorical... :D hehehe! its more of a ... how do you say... psychological jigsaw... or a picasso... i dont know if that makes sense... hehehe! but yeah... so on some level... i know... and i wonder... that ppl actually relate to wat i write... ok now im drifting.... :) jeeze!! loved your take on me work!!! look forward to hearing from you again! :D

7:13 AM  
Blogger Rude Awakenings said...

Hi Ozair,

This was a brilliant post, the conflict and frustration is very real. I find myself storming with similar queries and thoughts.
We tend to find/ look for ourselves, our happiness, peace , contentment etc in others, that's is where the knot lies.

Keep in touch.

Sonia

10:00 AM  
Blogger Ozair said...

Sonia!! i couldnt agree with you more! but its truely a sad thing when you look in the wrong places ... or are waiting for pl to look to u for the above... or when you cant find the end to the knot... :)

3:11 AM  

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