The Recess Files...

The Recess Files... Cont'd

2011-02-19T22:37:00.000-08:00

There have been battles that rage and lose all gusto... ones where the fight might have been to the death but only to have been lost because the air in the lungs ran too short. But the fight ebbs and flows like fire dying on its last embers... glowing. Remember that picture, of the piano playing so rapidly...? Betraying the tremors of your heart and then you realize your heart had stopped beating a long time ago. And slowly the melody dies. And you open your eyes to find nothing had changed. And that the decrescendo was nothing compared to the climax that brought you here in the first place. So you fight the under tow. But the sand is stealthy and ever so quick. And you forget that picture of... of... of... never mind its just a picture...

Recess Files... Contd...

2010-05-11T03:05:00.000-07:00

A visceral feeling is where it begun,
A verse of direness in a song unsung.
Followed quietly by the sifting of sand,
Under the rapturous feet of longing.
The tumultuous silence does nothing but prevail,
A saturnine story every time unveiled…

Recess Files...

2009-06-30T19:35:00.000-07:00

The strangest of mists clouds my berated heart...
And an absolute littleness stretches my shadows to a place where it all starts...
Into a place where I cannot see past is an infinite existence...
And in it lies an aloneness so subtle...

....................................................

I'm so tired of being so alone. I feel like I can't breathe. I am so desperate to love something I think its going to drive me insane. Why won't anything love me?

Recess Files...

2009-05-29T22:35:00.000-07:00

In this solitary state...
I met my fate... in a field of wheat...
Its all beneath my feet...
A crushed moon... a silent scream

There are more times and times again...
Of the probable stillness that would shake me...

In my land a sheep...
My rags still the same but happy steeped...
To share a web and wheel...
My only friend the white little sheep...

Recess Files...

2009-05-04T19:15:00.000-07:00

Shh...

And I will tell you a story...

Of Tempests and Pedestal Kings...
Of The Sounds of Moments and Magical Nuances...
Of Feelings Unheard and Memories Extirpated...

Recess Files...

2009-03-23T19:52:00.000-07:00

Moments of concentrated madness...
A diluted resolve of limited sturdiness...
And a flower does wilt...
And its scent does disappear...
Ghosts of years past rise and shake with willowy hands...
A house of frailty and dreams...
I am with fault...
Accept me as I am...
Cause I am not me any other way...

Recess Files...

2009-03-16T19:10:00.000-07:00

The storm begins...
And my shadows disappear...
The silence is deafening...
And my emptiness I fear...
The tide rises...
And the moon hides
Hides its face from you,
From me and the sun...

Recess Files...

2009-03-11T19:15:00.000-07:00

I have fallen into hate again...

And ask me not why but ask me how many times...

Deceptively love but truthfully hate...

One day you will ask me what went wrong... and I will bring forth a quaint answer...

So now... ask...

And here it is...

You told me how the world and its men of sorts do not show their hearts in a manner of speaking... You told me that I was to be respected... and then there came a confession... one from the heart... and then you said it rather be from the bowel cause I do not believe you... That you could believe anything at all is short of surprise. But I guess fools are always foolish and I almost played the jester... Now on with the quaint...

You said that things could be fine and so i thought too... I befriend and invite... reach out and smile... all you do is pace about with your head up your rear end... you are quintessentially an idiot...

Amuse me some more why don't you...

Recess Files...

2009-02-22T16:15:00.000-08:00

They say that life is a wonderful journey... They tell you that you learn from it... that you will experience all there is to experience and that things would be great...

What if I was to tell you that life has lost all its wonderment? That learning is but a tedious process and the experience of it all seems like a futile experiment?

I may sound like someone who has lost it all reveling in an abject depression... I in fact have everything... and nothing at the same time... and I may be slightly depressed if not abjectly.

I, honestly am very tired... Even breathing seems like an arduous task...

What is it that I am lacking? Am I missing something...? Maybe I should find something to live for...? Maybe behind this door?

Knock knock... is anybody home?

A penny for your thoughts...

Recess Files...

2009-02-20T17:26:00.000-08:00

There was a cloud that used to follow me around...
A staircase on which I used to sit on...
There used to be those stars that glimmered...
A wide eyed spectacle that was my naivete...

And now that cloud has rolled on by...
And that staircase is just a staircase...
And those stars do nothing more than shine...
And these eyes know not to expect and simply look on...

....................................

It's a losing battle...

The Recess Files...

2009-01-30T03:36:00.001-08:00

I have...

I have not...

A peach, a plum, an apricot...

... And then there was the banana who felt left out...

Recess Files...

2009-01-16T20:07:00.000-08:00

... and then you make an inane comment about the weather...

... and laugh...

... cause sometimes you crack yourself up...

2009-01-04T08:01:00.000-08:00

There you go...

I have lost it all over again...

I wish I had not said...

Recess Files...

2008-12-29T17:14:00.001-08:00

Tread tread...
I seem to have left myself somewhere far...
Looking back hoping the door would be ajar...
The footsteps I left behind...
Seem too thorny to unwind...

Tread tread...
With each step I seem contrived...
There is no pleasure I seem to derive...
A whisper and a twist of fate like refractions of cornelian hue...
I cannot seem to drown in warm arms, long past due...?

Tread tread...
And so the angels hover above my kingdom...
Yet I stand alone in this spot so lonesome...
A feverish pitch does consume this time...
Nay, a desperate feeling to call something mine...

...

Recess Files...

2008-12-29T04:43:00.000-08:00

... They said ...

We'd rather be friends...

... And I'm happy with that ...

Recess Files...

2008-12-28T20:00:00.000-08:00

Today I professed to someone my fondness towards them...

Recess Files...

2008-12-27T07:28:00.000-08:00

Far from sane...

Recess Files...

2008-12-25T06:06:00.000-08:00

He told me his story and I fell in love with him again...

Recess Files...

2008-12-21T19:49:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of pretending to be content...

When will I get my turn...

To be happy...?

Recess Files...

2008-12-15T18:39:00.001-08:00

There is a sort of reluctance on my part...

To admit...

That I miss you...

Recess Files...

2008-12-14T15:43:00.000-08:00

To have heard sounds in silence...

And believe the imaginary could be real...

To have found silence in sound...

And lost the ability to feel...

Recess Files...

2008-12-09T20:03:00.001-08:00

To have realized I am a good thing...

But no one to say it to me...

Maybe I'm just conceited...

Recess Files...

2008-12-07T12:50:00.000-08:00

To have realized that I am fragile...

Recess Files...

2008-12-07T12:49:00.001-08:00

Today...

I walked through snow fall...

Recess Files...

2008-12-05T05:00:00.000-08:00

Fiction

I saw him... And then I said he was mine. I dreamed it all up, a vision of pearly clarity. But still I kept dreaming and did not stop. Time stood still but he kept moving, a blur of motions and smiles. Every second a frame in which I placed his face. And so in dreams and what dreams may come, he was mine and it was like finding solace in vague reveries. I watched from the corner of the earth and from a small place somewhere in the corner of my soul, how my world whirled round and around a sonata of mysterious origins. Twirled and embraced, captivated and released at the same moment and... he lay next to me, felt his hands on my back, his breath as real as air only forcing me to wake up. But I kept my eyes closed and stayed quiet. Stayed.

...

2008-11-29T18:08:00.001-08:00

CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Recess Files... Contd...

2008-11-22T15:22:00.001-08:00

Every sigh a perfect utterance...
One more time... just once...

Every breath a seamless resonance...
One more time... just once...

You are mine...
and I am yours...
Tomorrow...
Now...
and Before...

Recess Files... Cont...

2008-11-16T19:06:00.000-08:00

I ran in the rain yesterday...

Recess Files... Contd...

2008-10-21T19:17:00.000-07:00

Maybe I was too fast...
Running with all the speed of slow...
Emptiness in tow...

Feelings left at the gate...
Rummaging through my bag...
All this time at my feet... I drag...

No matter how far...
I won't escape...
My own treason... my own fate...

Recess Files... Contd

2008-09-11T19:53:00.000-07:00

What is love?

What is attraction?

This seduction?

explain...

It is a feeling... a state of being... a plane of abandon...

When you feel...

'This' is all I need...

'This' is where I like being...

'This' is where I am comfortable...

'This' is where I could be complete...

It is thus a feeling... where silent bells ring...

and your brain swings...

your heart tremors...

and your soul clamors...

Its still a feeling...

Only thing is... It only happens when Im dreaming...

FUCK!!

2008-09-09T18:35:00.000-07:00

FUCK...

FFUUCCKK!!

FFFUUUCCCKKK!!!

... i think im frustrated?

FFFUUUCCCKKK!!!

FFUUCCKK!!

FUCK...

Recess Files... Contd

2008-07-20T18:13:00.000-07:00

Pictures of a promising yesterday...

I saw today...

The few things I cherished are withering away...
In my own garden... my mind affray...
Where is the gardener...?
Who sprays the water so cool...?
And trims and cuts the odd bits and that...?
(Look its already passed June...)
Who softens the soil...
And makes room for the sun to shine...?
On this withering garden of mine...?
Where is the gardener I say...?
I guess it was me all along...

The Recess Files... Contd...

2008-07-13T12:51:00.000-07:00

Its been so long... not away from here... cause I have been here before...

But since someone left... and maybe that someone was me... I caved in and became remote... implosions and none of the explosions... impulsions but none of the compulsions...

True but still unreal...

Its been so long... not away from this... cause I have felt this before...

Its plain but cryptic...

Real...

Unreal...

But still...

Recess Files... Contd...

2007-09-05T09:40:00.001-07:00

After a long hiatus the files open again...

Words... words...
Words adrift...
Escapism in them i see fit...
A pasture I once spoke of...
Of words... words...
words adrift...
Has led me to a path with a bit
of a twist...
From then to now a forest does grow...
Lost in them...
my words... words...
Words adrift...
The pretty insects had come and now they go...
Yet I remain...
Unrotten...
Forgotten...
Unworthy to become the sand...
In which the seeds to sow...
So now with words...
words... words adrift...
I seek the fate... of sifted silt...

Recess Files... Contd...

2007-05-13T22:50:00.000-07:00

Talking sleep and Sleep walking...
Watching... Blood roses fall from the corners of your lips...
Point to and... Promise me the moon... the stars...
And nail... me down to a crucifix...
Collect... In a chalice...
My spirit unfettered...
My emotion so devoid...
My love so tethered...
Drink it down an elixir...
And regurgitate it a venom...

Iv been away for far too long... apologies... :D Pic by playxdead...

...

2006-12-28T20:22:00.000-08:00

It gets difficult you know, sometimes...

And it gets worse by the hour...

Sleeping makes me dream...

Waking makes you go away...

Pretending doesn't make things fine...

Contentment our new chime...

..... It SuckS

2006-12-02T22:59:00.000-08:00

She Cries...

Esoteric Dreams...

2006-10-09T21:29:00.000-07:00

From the depths of my core, he rose a pulsating cloud… hanging and clinging to me like the sweetest deathly mist… he smiles, the beautiful monster that resides in me… he looks to me with fondness, waiting for me to nod and allow him his rite… and so with one gesture consuming and devouring me whole… bit by bit… piece by piece… ripping from under my skin, tearing my flesh asunder and greedily gorging on my marrow… Reaching deep inside and teasing my heart out of its restless confinement and from its cage so cryptic, he holds it to my quivering lips, and feeds it to me a beating emblem of my supposed purpose…

And he says to me, “Take unto yourself what is yours and be free…”

Stay...

2006-08-25T05:27:00.000-07:00

Yes... another attempt at a story... lame title but wotever... hehe... if you like fluff and melodrama read on... if you dont... stop right here and do something constructive like rubbing your belly and head at the same time... its a "straight" story... and thats just it... its a story... FICTICIOUS!!! :) i changed the title...

For PART 2... scroll down...

PART 1...

Its 2:13 am and this inertia won’t seem to let go of its grip on me. Forcing me down into this sofa, forcing me back into those memories of her and me and when everything seemed good. Gravity threatens to pull my glass of vodka away from my fingers as I let it dangle… wondering how many pieces it would shatter into if I did let it go? Would one of those pieces find its way through my flesh? Randomness is truly when you get to act like a genius… that’s probably how these stupid laws were invented… randomness and right now I am arbitrary, all haphazard without order… or purpose…

My black phone rests on the table in between my smokes and a half empty bottle of Absolut… as if to say this arrangement had some sort of deranged meaning… but I am in fact waiting for that phone to ring… waiting for her… again… cause I have missed her so much this night. I wanted her… I needed her tonight… more than ever… required her… more than anything else… cause right now all I wanted was to know she was in the kitchen making coffee, or she was somewhere… near…

But that God damned phone won’t ring! I am drunk and impatient… I pour my self another glass… only half this time… and I light a smoke… thick wafts of its blissfully deadly mist stream down my throat, let it settle… mingle… work its way to my head… and release… its no good sitting here… I have work tomorrow and an unsatisfied client to deal with… but just then… just as I got up with my glass in one hand and ciggy in the other… the phone rings… twice… thrice… and I am still with my back facing it… wondering if it could be her… four times… if she was in fact right there… that I could speak to her… five times… hear her hoarse yet sultry voice echo its way to my head… melt me right there… and I whirled and picked it up…

“Hullo,” I clear my throat.

“Dude…,” and all hope floats away, its only my friend/cousin Saif.

“What is it? I was sleeping,” I lie with a hint of annoyance though I did not mean for it to come out like that… I don’t want him to know I had become weak… that I had given up… no, not I… Ozzie is unbreakable… and yet here I am fallen to pieces…

Neha his Indian wife comes on the phone… I do enjoy her company more than I do his.

“Ozzie… jaan…” I grumble, “No! you listen to me now!! I know your drunk! And I know you shouldn’t be alone right now so Saif is coming over… buss… I won’t hear anything else.” I loved it when she said buss… it kinda had a breezy sorta hiss to it… I smiled to myself and walked away pulling the phone and astray to the floor…

“Shit!” now she’ll definitely send him over!

“He’ll be there in 15 minutes… OK!”

The line went dead… receiver placed back on the phone, now lying on the floor amongst ash, cigarette butts and one half of the broken clay ashtray…
I should put on some pants before he comes around… wont be nice to see me in my boxers! I drag my drunken feet towards the bathroom… looking for a t-shirt maybe somewhere on the floor. Swaying your head too fast can be quite nauseating if your as sloshed as I am! But isn’t that the purpose of drinking… to get drunk… to edge so close to the edge and prance about there precariously for a while and then hurl. Hurl it all out… and then repeat the cycle… but this feeling of pleasant wastedness, I would like to retain a while longer…

A green shirt hangs behind the door with a pair of knee torn jeans… my pretty rags… adorned with appropriate attire I make my way to the sink and slash some hot water onto my face… too hot… but pain is good… and back I waddle into the chilled room with the low saffron glow, I light another fag… a smooth drag and I find my way to the glass doors of my balcony… 10 floors up… I lean against it… when randomness leads you in moments like these its only best to follow…

The sky is a strange eerie blue with all the lights in the city trapped in the clouds above. I sigh and there is fog on the glass in front of me and it seems alright to close my eyes… and maybe dream a little… and just like that she was there… with her back pressed into me… looking out the window… my hands run through her brown wet hair… she tilts her head to one side and her hair falls to her front… her skin glowing honey… smell of sweet almonds rose from her neck… that I kiss… again and again… biting her ear and whispering a sweet syrupy something that makes her smile… my hands run down her front… tracing lines and mapping every bit of flesh, so attractively molded… with the other hand I follow those slender arms from shoulder to finger tip… and something gives way… the heat… the unmistakable fire I felt for her… and I want her so terribly… to hold… to love… to complete me… she turns to face me… and looks straight into my eyes… and into her eyes I gaze… drowning in them… lost in those brown eyes that dance about my face finding some way to read my mind… and I tell her she can’t and she laughs…

Sara… the words echo and like that this reverie is over. I find myself sitting on the floor still leaning against the glass doors… my cigarette, ash to the tip. The door bell rings… 15 minutes couldn’t have passed so quickly… I check the watch only to realize I had been sitting here for nearly half an hour. My head is throbbing, the alcohol and memories making a green toxic paste inside of me. I open the door, and its Saif as expected. Handsome guy, who still retained his youth from our days of stoning on the roof top, to prowling the streets of a new neighborhood, just cause we were too drunk to find a new years party, but now it seems like a thing only spawned from the figments of my imagination… now that he’s married and settled... with Neha.

It was Neha who introduced me to Sara… at some lame dinner. Too bad no one knew she was as destroyed as I was. That she was past the whole chastity before marriage thing, past quite a lot of things, soon to be myself as well…

“Are you going to let me in or are we going to stare at each other all night.”

I turn around without saying anything and walk to the sofa, plop down and pour myself a drink, one for him too…

“Neha sent some food, its in the fridge for later…” he said as he walked out of the kitchen. “…Yaar, what the fuck are you doing to yourself!? Look at yourself! You look like shit.”

“I’m fine.” I state calmly.

“Please when I believe that I’ll believe anything!” He reaches for the shot I poured for him.

“If you’re here to fuckin lecture me about how fucked I am, you’d want to take a look in the mirror before you leave…” maybe I shouldn’t be saying all this, but venom is all I have right now, “…you homosexual fuck!” Yes it was true, he denies it but I did eventually find out about a certain guy he did sleep around with. I wouldn’t really have a problem with it if he’d actually fess up to it, but whatever… it doesn’t concern me…

He shifted uneasily and a face drawn in like I had smacked him… I regretted it… after so many years I shouldn’t have brought it up. I thought he’d leave but he stayed seated… only saying in his most casual sounding tone, “I’m glad we’re past that…”

“Sara is gone, the sooner you realize that the better, she was never good for you…”

“But how could she not be good for me when I loved her so much?” I cut in.

“Why can’t you see the mess she left you in? You knew she was sleeping around and you knew about her drug problem! So why the hell can’t you see she wasn’t good for you?”

“Simply because I loved her! She needed me and I need her! I don’t want the perfect housewife, I want her simply because I wouldn’t have any one else.”

“Did she love you back?” the sword through my swollen brain. “Well did she? She certainly had a fine way of showing it I’d reckon! The fact is your drunk and you hardly make sense to yourself anymore than you do to me! You’ll get over it… by tomorrow...”

And the anger blurred everything… made everything look red… words came out like I knew they would…....................

..... to be contd......

PART 2...

“SHE”S CARRYING MY CHILD!!” I scream at him. “SHES FUCKING PREGNANT!! HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET OVER THAT!!”

Stumped… his expression unreadable as he tried to register what he just heard, trying to search somewhere locked in his head, the appropriate reaction, the right words… but his silence was more befitting right now…

“But how… you… then why… how long!” no structure to his words… “When was this? I mean why didn’t you tell me!?”

“Because I didn’t care that she was! Because I wanted her to have my child! Because I wanted to love her! Marry her!”

“Then who… how?”

“She didn’t exactly climb on top of her self and land herself pregnant now did she!” I retorted, simply annoyed with how stupid he could be. My head aching with intoxication… I wanted to hurl…

“You do know that you’re the father don’t you?”

“For fucks sake! Your doing a fine job of crapping on our friendship!”

“OK! So its yours, how long has it been?”

“About 2 months… maybe more…” I couldn’t keep it in anymore! And I broke down! Tears and all… staring at the floor cause I was too embarrassed to look up… just then I felt his hand on my shoulder and I looked up through already blurry eyes… “Bring her back Saif! Please bring her back! Find her from some place! Pleeease…” I sobbed on his shoulder! Clutching tight at his shirt from behind, his presence was now welcome… he’d find a way to find her… bring her back...

And like that I passed out... waking up in my bed... my head spinning out of control as the remnants of alcohol swirled in my vessels… oh God! What happened to me last night? What did I say to Saif? Sara... I whirl around to focus on the alarm clock on my bedside table... its 10:45am! Fuck! My client! The door bell rings...

2006-08-03T22:57:00.000-07:00

Inside Empty... Sketch I did yesterday... been festering for a while... this one is right from my head... subject matter is... umm... i dont know.... the original is on me other art blog... in links...

Recess Files... Contd...

2006-07-19T05:26:00.000-07:00

I love feeling this dark... sometimes... but i rather not...

Come... Come...

Let us play dead...

Wake... Wake...

Dearest evil twin...

Take... Take...

Mine a sweet revenge...

Plunge... Plunge...

That dagger into me...

Twist... Twist...

Coz' it feels so good...

Make... Make...

Them writhe in mine an agony...

Yes... Yesss...

You and I in thorny embrace...

Together we deface...

Till we are safe...

PS: :)

Recess Files... Contd...

2006-06-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

The Spirits know no solace,

They dance a broken dance,

Around me, Around shadows of gods,

Swirling...

Twirling...

And so they rejoice when it thunders,

In the rain they prance,

Each droplet, carrying whispers of bliss,

Dripping...

Washing...

And so they gravitate,

To a sad soul, who too, knows no calm,

And fill in it the fleeting moment of purpose,

Pleasing...

Fulfilling...

PS: and i thought i was incapable of depressive thoughts... but make what you will of this... all i know is that this is some form of spirituality i will not explore further... i dont understand it too well... pic by ramu...

Recess Files... contd...

2006-05-02T11:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Prince of all things dark...

Why must you torment me so?
Why do you hover when you are not wanted around...?
Is it cause I am weak?
Or is it cause you are?

Think! Pretty Prince...

Is not your throne a bit too thorny...?
Is not your mind a bit weary...?
Or is it cause I am too close?
And you too weak?

Breathe! Black Prince...

Why do you create such beauty...?
Why do you marr me with your Blood so taint?
Is it cause I am thristy?
Or is it cause you are lonely?

Trade? Crafty Prince...

Would you like to feel human...?
Would you like to taste Pleasure?
Is it cause I offer it to you?
Or is it because you weep inside?

Broken?
Burnt?
Betrayed?
Bastard!

PS: I cannot even being to explain this one.... its all gibberish... : ) make what you will of it... pic by bionic 7... im crazy...

Butterfly...

2006-04-17T11:42:00.000-07:00

Cover of Dave Mathhew's song, Butterfly. I never knew this song existed... but i liked it much and played it out... i still need to be getting better at this... :)

Ozair - Butterfly (Cover)

"Butterfly"(Dave Matthews Band)
You are like a butterfly,
Caterpillar’s dream to fly
So bust out of this old cocoon
Dry your wings offButterfly
Go ahead and fly…

It’s always such a lonely moon
It’s sudden like a broken bone
Luck won’t always come your way
Dry your tears awayButterfly
Don’t you cry…

Dry your tears awayButterfly
Go ahead and fly...

An Ode To The Scot In me...

2006-04-06T13:43:00.000-07:00

To be read/sung in a drunken Scotish accent... planning to make this into a funny song but need to figure out the chords... (below is not to be taken seriously... hahaha:)

Where Doth my glass of Scotch be?

Tell me bartender won't you please!

I've had one... two...

Ok! Six before...

All I ask for is one more...

Or I'll go to sleep here on floor your!!!

You know I've had a rough night...

Just today me wife's knickers got a bit tight...

She asked me how she looked in her dress pink...

I only smiled and said, "Not here as good as this drink"

(Mind Ye... I was under the influence... I think!)

She said, "Get Out of this house, ye drunkard of a spouse!"

Got up and left did I...

Now I sit before ye...

Oh Mister Bartender...!

Waiting for my glass of Scotch...

Which by the way I've not still got!!

Now can you blame me for being honest!

Now I solemly take my bow...

Coz my wife is infact a bleedin' COW!!!!!!

And So It Is....

2006-03-19T07:03:00.001-08:00

Ozair - Blower's Daughter Part 2 (Cover)

Damien Rice - The Blower’s Daughter Part 2

This has got to die
This has got to stop
This has got to lie down
With someone else on top

Well you can keep me pinned
It’s easier to teach
But you can’t paint an elephant
Quite as good as she

And she may cry
Like a Baby
And she my drive
me crazy

Coz Im lately Lonely

So whyd you have to lie
I take it Im your crutch
The pillow in your pillowcase
It’s easier to touch

When you think you've sinned
You fall upon your knees
Living in your picture
Still forget the breeze

And she may rise
If i sing you down
And she'll wisely
Clinge to the ground

Coz Im Lately Horny
So why would she take me Horny

This has got to die
Said, this has got to stop
This has got to lie down
With someone else ontop

Recess Files... Contd...

2006-02-22T07:56:00.000-08:00

Something I wrote on a rainy day, on the back of my biology book some years ago... rediscovered after some cleaning of some cartons...

Thunder sounds resonantly…
Clouds loom ominously…
Lighting strikes dangerously…
And my sanity hangs by a thread perilously…

PS: the pic is by Bionic7... for the sake of clarity the left arrow points to "sadness" and the right to "happiness"... he's an amazing artist also i be posted a new sketch on me art blog... http://www.woozieeart.blogspot.com also i have fallen head over feet for Lisa Hannigan... the chick who tours and sings with Damien Rice... good lord her voice haunts me... check her out here (right click and "save as..") This one is called Lay Me Down, with Damien Rice http://www.musikarkivet.se/~rice/EF_lay_me_down.mp3... download another song Your Ghost also by Lisa... its a Kristen Hersh cover... she has other songs where she sings solo... Silent Night... La Fille Danse... one or too more.. ill try and post some... :)

...Ecstasy...

2006-02-04T22:15:00.000-08:00

ec·sta·sy:
1)Intense joy or delight.
2)A state of emotion so intense that one is carried beyond rational thought and self-control: an ecstasy of rage.
3)The trance, frenzy, or rapture associated with mystic or prophetic exaltation.

Ever wonder if the word "ecstasy" actually does mean the above definition(s)?? Well flatly it does................

Recess Files...

2005-11-10T03:16:00.000-08:00

RECESS FILES 00967-8900

2005-10-22T01:26:00.000-07:00

New Sketch at

!!...WooZiEe-ArT...!!

2005-09-02T06:19:00.000-07:00

scanned pic of me... messed with in photoshop!

Recess Files... Contd...

2005-08-19T23:07:00.000-07:00

Dream a million dreams…
Clutch tight those broken seams…
It won’t be long now…
For I am near… have always been…
Right here…
With this needle and these strings...
Tying your missing parts…
With all of mine…
But I am torn again…
Still pirouetting…
Still dancing around the fringes of your soul…
Waiting to be drawn in…
Wanting to be made whole…

Recess Files... Contd...

2005-08-07T10:04:00.000-07:00

The genesis of him…
The fall of man…
The torment of yearning…
The questions unyielding…
A glimpse into the gardens of hell…
A flicker of a thought…
The whisper of a soul…The path to Eden uncertain...

2005-07-26T06:26:00.000-07:00

tribal design that looks like a dragon to me... made on me bathroom door...

2005-07-17T09:54:00.000-07:00

random somthing i found... goes with present mood and post.. :)

Recess Files... Contd

2005-07-17T09:32:00.000-07:00

Betrayal in the air… So thick, the smell it wafts around me… Covers everything you touch… Every word that you speak is coated in it… like drops of sweet nothings that I would so desperately like to believe… Every gesture one moment too late… every utterance confirming this fate… Do you really think no one could tell? Did you really think that I wouldn’t be able to smell the stench of it all? Your crap? Your guile?

You know I really didn’t deserve this… and then you question my silence… because I would rather not have you speak at all than let you lie again… it was that simple yet you did not understand… now you tell me? Who is to blame for the distance you are feeling? Is it me, for trying…? Is it me, for caring…? Is it me for giving in? Tell me…?

To me you are as lost as I am to myself… but at least I can salvage something from this wreck I call me! Yes salvage! Constantly caught up in yourself… you forget those who actually should matter and would always care without the justifications you seek! YOU blame me of being aloof!! Don’t you dare!! Can I help it!??

You break little parts of me and yet I let you… hoping that you will come around! That you would finally see that I have been so good to you and now all I can feel is bad? WHY!? WHY!? It would take you less than a second to sell me out around the bend and you claim to lay your life down if I requested? Funny enough isn’t it? When I am the one with the tortuous mangled body on the floor? I am already dead so claim not what you never could fulfill!

Let us see what you have left in you when I am gone… when I will no longer be around for you to lean on!? When your all alone as I am now?! Will you find the solace that you are so desperately digging for in a ground that’s so cold and hard your fingers are numb?
And so I will wait… and I will watch from afar… but I will not laugh and nor will I envy, if you find true respite in any way… and now for the first time in a long time I wish you gone… and make real this distance you only once felt…

2005-07-07T10:22:00.000-07:00

thats me... lookn dangerous:D

Recess Files... Contd...

2005-07-07T10:05:00.000-07:00

Shimmer and fly…
Bleed and try…
Feel the pain and cry…
Quiver and die…
Close your eyes and sigh…

Its just you, me and this great big lie…

listenin to anouk-losing my religion, damien rice-volcano, portishead... in a very chilled out mood:)

2005-06-11T01:29:00.000-07:00

Deviation by Jean Tay... Alias azhrarn! Salute to him for being the artist he is! the greatest of our present time...

Recess Files... Contd...

2005-06-11T01:12:00.000-07:00

Unfilled.........................

I have not felt so lonely as I have today and I wonder if this loneliness is greater than any kind in the world because it is heavy… it is so heavy… weighing down on me… incessantly… I don’t think there is anyone who could feel this lonely yet I am… why am I lonely… you ask? Aren’t you… lonely? Think about it… those people you know, those people you know oh so well seem so distant don’t they… and I am alone… there is no point anymore is there… of being close to the closest of those around you…? Because it still feels empty… lonely... voids… holes that nobody seems to fill… and I wonder why… are the gaps too big?? Are they too deep?? Everybody seems lost… wondering… we stand in front of each other but they are all lost to me… I don’t know what I am staring into anymore… standing in front of the mirror also confronted by the strangeness I see…

Its dark oh so dark right now in my head, and I don’t like it too be this dark it is scary… because once the world that I built inside my head was pretty… filled with beautiful things.. no lies… everything was correct… and now I drift from my present delusions… and I realize it never really was pretty to begin with… was only deluding myself all this time… aren’t we all…? Constantly searching I was for my missing halves… the pieces to this intricate jigsaw… but I fear maybe there is no half there are no pieces… but I will die searching.. this much I know… and maybe ill find them and maybe I won’t… but I tell myself that to make it better… it really isn’t is it? Better...? It hurts sometimes when I stand here in front of myself and see this emptiness… naked… looking at those scars that run across my gaping chasms… and it dawns on me that we have all become empty vessels of our former selves and that… its futile I have realized searching or rather reaching out to people… now I only reach out to Him… so that I have some sort of peace…some sort of love… some sort of reassurance that this barrenness is temporary… but this very longing is consuming me… withdrawing me from myself… caving in... making me sink into the abyss of my own soul… intangible…

So now this journey begins to an outward path… and I am wanting to care but know one lets me… telling myself that I am strong yet I am needy… that I am dependant yet not quite… then again we are all needy and dependant I guess? Tiredness fatigues my limbs because I have been running too long too fast to too many places and crying again because I have too many people dependant on me… and me on no one… I can not sever myself from them… pitiful humans… yet none for myself… I am tired of them… yet they are my salvation, I have recently discovered… and so as things may seem I have chosen to be the chalice for them... His creation… the purpose of my emptiness… and I choose to be lost forever… never to be found… never to be remembered… why? It was inevitable! I have given up on man because there is no salvation for them and I shall be their savior… I kneel before Him and I pray in whispers and I say “Make their sins unto mine… their hurt make it mine…”

For this is my destiny… and take me into your arms now… for you wouldn’t have me any other way… for I am the Sin Eater…

NOTE: this will be my last work for sometime... but this is where it ends for me for I dont know when... though i have many more things to share... lets see... love to all for being so good to me... strange huh? khair takecare all! :D Also ill be dropping by with my comments... cant leave completely... hehehe!!!

2005-06-07T05:44:00.000-07:00

In The End... peace... :D

Recess Files... Contd...

2005-06-07T05:32:00.000-07:00

Conversations With Him…

This place that I sit in… its difficult to describe but ill try anyways to make it as vivid as possible. But before I begin, I should say that here, there is much peace, it is quiet and tranquil, and I am anxiously waiting… for Him… I sit cross legged on the ground, my arms holding my weight as they rest behind me. Strange as it may seem everything is white… and not just snow white but an ethereal, hazy sort of white… its pretty and I wish I could share this image with you but live it through me nonetheless… the grass too is white, tall but not too… blades long enough to sway in the slight breeze that feels so cool against my skin… but can you imagine… white grass… even the soil it stems from is white… but it isn’t snow it feels velvety under my palms… and it has this warmth radiating from it… now I sit a few meters from a tree the ones with thick trunks… and branches making the most exquisite canopy… and the leaves on this tree are white… and the bark too… is white… there are clouds above splendid clouds… and behind the clouds is not a backdrop of blue… but the beautiful merged strokes of a golden-yellow, red and purplish blue… much like the stunning colours of a rising sun… only more captivating… everywhere I turn there is white… stretching as far as my gaze can discern… and far away the sky meets the whiteness I sit on… a single white tree in an infinite meadow of white grass… picture all this, now close your eyes and see it like I’ve seen it… isn’t it lovely…? Do you feel the calm…? The concord that feels so palpable…? If this is heaven I’d like to be here forever but I know it is not, probably some place like it…

And so I wait for Him… with hushed longing and in awe of what was to transpire…

The gentle breeze like I described at once stopped… stillness like you have never known… He comes… do not ask me how I know I just do… the wind blows once more and I am lifted… wisped rather… closer to the tree by only a few feet… it is a matter of blinking and being displaced from my original inertia… and so I stare into what can only be described as ripples in nonexistence… in the fabric of the thing we call air… and in the core of it a bluish white glow… like from a blow torch but easier on the eyes, such that you could look into it completely, without batting an eyelid… and so I am in wonderment of sensations overwhelming my very heart, my very centre… I do not know how to feel anymore… I am scared and curious and delighted and in trepidation and in tears all at once…

Soon all was put to ease by a voice… and it spoke in a tone comparable to what a mother uses to gaze into the eyes of her new born child… which is exactly as I describe… that which can not be heard but it is known to all that a conversation ensues between the two and that disturbing it would be transgression of the highest order… needless to say it was this kind of voice that spoke to me, amplified in affection and fondness a million fold… and it said to me…

“Do you like what it is you see?”

I must think of something that must not offend Him…

A knowing murmur of a laugh “hmm… hmm”

And I smile and say, “It’s very tastefully done.”

Again that knowing laugh… He understands…

“I am glad you like it so much.” He knows I do.

“Why is everything white?” I ask… and I catch my tongue hoping I did not upset Him.

“Because I like it that way… after all it keeps things simple here…”

“Then I like it the way you do!” I feel like such a child even though I am twenty years old…

“You know…” a pause, “In actuality you haven’t yet been born!” His answer is uncomplicated enough to give it a nod. “But don’t give it tooo much thought…”

“So how is everything?” I ask…

“Everything is good… the way you like it…”

“The weather here is nice too… back home it’s pretty hot you know!”

And he laughs again…

“But I don’t think I should complain…” I finish what I said…

“Tell me something… why am I here? I’ve been wanting to know for quite sometime now...”

“Hmm…”

I wait…

“Because you called Me… and I didn’t want to be rude… so now you’re here…”

I glow red with blush and smile… indeed I did call Him but I never really expected an answer… but I guess that is why I am here… cause I called Him…

“…I heard you that day like every other but this one in particular because you cried, you knelt and you cried, and you reached out to me…”

I remembered…

“And so I am here huh…? thanks.” I couldn’t really think of anything else…

“Ah… but there is much you are thinking now so why don’t you ask…? And your always welcome!”

“Why are we ALL here?”

“Because I love you so much”

“Why…?”

“There doesn’t have to be any reason for love… be it between two humans or between you and I… by design you are incomplete hence You love to be made complete… I love because it wouldn’t suit Me otherwise and I see that you do not feel loved…”

“Well yes… I kinda do…”

“That’s not true… you just haven’t looked in the right places… fine tune your filter process… sieve though everything your senses perceive and love you will find… sometimes in the most strangest of places… but you see it’s a bit complex…” He pauses, “You see… because you are eternally searching for your own missing halves… on some level you find Me in the process… it is invariably the case…” Warmth at my feet…

I frown…

He continues… “Look at yourself, you are here are you not…? All this time you were looking for love, a means to define it! And Now you are here!”

And then I realize maybe this isn’t complicated after all… I look down at the white grass contrasting against my tanned skin… and then look up…

“Then why do we hate with just as much passion!?” I blurted… but never the insolent tone. More of a hurtful tone… one that is trying to reckon its own place in the grand design of things…

“Hate…” A long pause, “You are blessed with free will are you not?”

“Yes”

“Then it is up to you to be either consumed with hate or inundated with love… isn’t it choice that professes love…? Take for example your own love back home… do you not make certain choices that calculate intricate equations that equate to love?”

“I guess so” Not satisfied by the answer…

“Then understand this, choose to make love not hate… some of you choose power as your place in the world… but it is power of the pitiful kind, if its purpose supercedes the ability to do good for others and turns to an inward path… and then when that happens blindness ensues and you forget that eventually you will die… then what was all that power for…? Earth…? Paper…?”

“I’m glad I’m not like that… and I guess I always knew the answer to that question…”

“One last example so you’d understand…You will meet people in your life that offend you and hurt you in the most grievous of ways and you would have to choose to forgive them or choose to carry on the vicious cycle… choose…!”

“Simple enough! But why do they hurt us?”

“Because they are still trying to find love… and Me… it’s a process… learn to forgive them…”

“Then I guess wars happen for the same reason… huh? Hate and such?”

“Wars… muchadoaboutnothing… peace was never really one of your traits although you vehemently desire it… yes hate is most often the root… bounties are meant to be shared not fought over… but it is choice once again and in the end all paths lead to Me…” another long pause… silence and then He spoke again, “look down and observe…”

So I do… and from the ground coils up a green stem… it twirls and twirls and leaves jut out and at it’s tip it explodes into a flower… a white lotus… with a set of stamens and a stigma… quite pretty watching a flower bloom in accelerated motion…

“Pick it…”

I hesitate… but I do reach out and break it close to its roots… and as I draw it near I look around me… a think band of blossoming lotuses… strange and yet so beautiful to observe… and then I realize the flower in my had has begun to wilt… becomes brown… shrivels up… and dies…

“So you see where there was one… there is much more!”

“Can I keep one… I’d like to show it to my friends…?”

“They wouldn’t believe you… because they still need to do a lot of searching… before they can understand what you hold in front of them… be it as unpretentious as a flower… now one last question and you should be off… we shall have plenty of time to talk later..”

“So tell me is there life anywhere other than Earth? Cause it’s an awful waste of space you know!”

A hearty laugh…

“Ah! I will not tell! If I told you all then your purpose here is rather trivil…”

2005-06-04T22:13:00.000-07:00

Paths... taken by Natasha's skilled hands... :) love your work!! U rOcK!!

Recess Files... Contd...

2005-06-04T14:05:00.001-07:00

Walking down these pavements again…
Flanked on either side by barren trees…
Filled to the brim with broken dreams…
You walked with me through here…
Do you remember?
The leaves were falling…
You were smiling…
Do you remember?
There was a chill in the air…
And you wore that sweet scent…
Do you remember?
That you stood there and I here…
So close, so near…
Do you remember?
Cause its so hard to forget…

Me, you and this regret…

PS: listenin to Fiona Apple... i used to like her a lot... felt like listenin to her again... downloaded many of her songs :) "U fondle my trigger and u blame ma gun! aray and REM ka loosing my religion!! wot a song! :D" khair... also did a new sketch... chk it out at !!...WooZiEe-ArT...!!... peace! :D

2005-05-30T18:06:00.000-07:00

Recess Files... Contd...

2005-05-30T17:44:00.000-07:00

Something thats been knockin around in my head... just had to get it out... the connotations are obvious... :D!

Try not to put me down by the words you speak,
Because it is from you, the fear, it reeks…
Constantly scared you are of what other people think,
Live in your squalid cacoon, go drown in your stink…
Don’t question the roots of my happiness,
Don’t bring into my garden your wretchedness …
Take your misery and walk away,
For in this world an extra burden it plays…
Don’t judge me because I don’t judge you…
For once in your life, get off that arrogant throne of yours,
Tell me not of the inane accolades that make you better than the rest…
Learn from those who are willing to express, their feelings, emotions
And their distress…
Now go find your own niche and embrace it…
Make it beautiful or however you wish,

Then send out invitations, and I promise to grace it…

PS: and im sure everybody has met ppl like i describe... annoying arnt they... khair thats life... am also reading "the diary of Anne Frank" interesting read... :)

Recess Files... Contd...

2005-05-12T19:06:00.000-07:00

The threads of thought,
Looped,
Intertwined,
In a knot…
The chains of love,
Sheared,
Unspoken,
Just broken…
The bag of happiness,
Quarter filled,
Light,
Now just empty…
The stitches of peace,
Strong,
Once reaffirming,

Now gaping…

PS...Listenin to John Mayer's Msg in a bottle... police cover... :D

2005-05-05T18:24:00.000-07:00

...The Marionette...

from site in my links...

Recess Files... Contd...

2005-05-05T18:13:00.000-07:00

Before you read... this story was inspired by a documentry i saw on CNN about the sex and drug trade in russia... it was a horrid show i wish i had never seen... but i saw it nonetheless... and i saw humanity at the most lowest of lows of how these children of 8 9 10 years old were forced into despicable acts... this is a depiction of what i saw... the sadness...
also this is entirely fiction...
------------------------------
Behind Picket Fences…

“Come on Samantha!”, shouts Mrs. Maggie, “we’ll be late for your brothers graduation! We got three hours to drive down there.”

“I’ll be down in a minute Ma!”, as she put on her jeans. The drive was long but not to where she was hoping.

Now Mrs. Maggie was the most sweetest Southern lady Samantha had known, her daughter. But Maggie was old now, almost too old. Wore out like they say happens to clothes washed too many times. With a husband no longer there, in heaven she hoped, for the hell that he caused. But Maggie had forgiven him a long time ago, and now she only lived for Jared, her son and her bastard daughter, sired from another woman her husband had slept with.

Samantha, 23 now, knew she was not her mothers child, even though she was never told, she knew. She was plump but not so as to be unattractive. She had her way of looking good for those around her and herself. Sam as Maggie called her often was all she had left.

Maggie, she cried often she did. She cried for the man she never loved, she cried for her son, she cried for the daughter that was never hers. But she did this in private, after all she thought she had to be strong for her family. Working two jobs, one as a maid at the local hotel the other as a cashier at a butchers shop. Wages weren’t good… and times were hard. Or rather they were never easy. She kept her house pretty, and she often had visitors but even they did not know of the turmoil sloughing away her sanity. Nevertheless she smiled, and she always said, “Would you like some tea?”

Her son had left her too… and far away he was… some three hours away… and some eight years ago…

In a dark room he sat, thinking, very still, eyes wide open, breathing at a steady slow. A sigh and then the prick… he always hated this part. The sting.

Somewhere in the darkness someone unfolded shiny foil, the click click of a lighter, the sound of deep inhalation. He sighed with the murmurs swarming inside his head, the prickly feeling finally withdrawing. He closed his eyes and smiled, remembered and then cried… the sound of a belt cutting through the air, the crackling sound of leather against flesh. He jerked… his arm stung… it was the needle still dangling… the screams filtered through the racket in his brain, “Leave him alone!!...” “Damn you, you animal!” the screams again, the pain again it stung. The blood dripped, he smiled he did, pain was good. Click click he heard again… happy now… alone but happy… inhale… deep breaths… the release…

He had a girlfriend. She stayed close to him most of the time actually all the time. He told her he loved her often, and she told him the same. Sometimes she would sting him and then they would make love on that sofa, or maybe in some other room of that barren dilapidated house. They sighed together enwrapped and entwined. And then the prickly stings would begin again. Tiff she was to him, Tiffany to others.

They met outside Big D’s place hoping to score. She was nervous and looked down most of the time but he kept her company and offered her his sweater, which she obviously needed then. Since then they filled each others emptiness. Played with each others hair and loved one another. Even through the haze that clouded their minds they reached out for each other. There was passion and there was Tiff. Her story was much like his. She understood. She always did. They hustled the streets together to provide for food and the fix.

“Jared, we have blow enough for just this one night”, Tiff smiled looking at the plastic 3” by 3” bag. Only fifteen, and ripe to fifteen more she was. Jared enveloped in a knitted blanket, only looked up, whispered something and went back to looking at the pigeons outside the ledge on the window. Things seemed in place finally, he knew this world was pretty even without the sting, but he knew that there was also pain, and none when there was the sting and the heaven dust before him. He had found someone he couldn’t live without so he thought, but he liked thinking it. Its Tiff that made him complete.

Click click… the pigeons flapped… click… they flew away. They didn’t even touch the crumbs he had left there on the ledge. Snapping right out of his reverie… was not the click click of the lighter… but glass smashing. Tiff! His heart pumped too much blood to his head all of a sudden. The rush was unfamiliar, coursing through his veins the fear. He turned swiftly and ran towards what they called the “launch pad”, Tiff sprawled on the floor. His mind racing at the speed of light, but his body working in slug motion. He walked towards her. The fear… closer he got… the fear… Tiff!!!

Eyes rolled to the back of her head… the white of her eyes red… blood trickled down the side of her nose. A gargling sound lodged in the back of her throat, her body ravaged by violent trembling.

“HELP!”, Jared cried. “SOMEBODY HELP ME!”

The cries echoed into nothing, after all who here, even if they could hear him would help.
Not a hospital for 4 miles. His mind raced but only to have no conclusion, just fear.

“TIFF!!!”

“AAAAAAH”, tears from his blood shod eyes fell onto her cheeks as he knelt beside her. He grabbed her head. “WAKE UP TIFF! NOOOOOO!”

He breathed into her mouth, “TIFF! PLEEEASE! PLEEEASE!” he whimpered.

“Tiff… Tiff… C’mon… PLEASE TIFF!!!!... NOO!!! TIFF STOP IT! DON’T DO THIS”

“Please please… please…”, his voice trailed, his lips quivered, the tears they would not stop! He was getting angrier! And so he hit her across the face “Wake up”, smack, “Wake up”, smack, “Wake up! AAAAh hAAAA” …. “WAKE up!”, his voice trailed again and interrupted by the sobs that rang from his very center!

He knew he had to run, run for help, four blocks to the nearest pay phone that worked. And so he did! He ran and ran! Legs seemed like they were too slow for the activity his brain demanded of them! Bawling as he ran, so fast, Tiff I’m coming! He thought. Buckling under the strain his body wasn’t used to, he stumbled but he knew he had to get to that phone. And call Big D. He’d know what to do. The blackened dirty buildings passed, a few prostitutes on the other side of the street, a siren somewhere, someone blaring… the phone… Big D. Its right there, the tears streamed down his face, he could see the phone booth so close… RUN! RUN! RUN! His mind bellowed at him. RUN! TIFF IS DYING! SHES DYING! WHY WON’T YOU RUN FASTER!. He struck the door and fell back down upon the impact. Getting up he fumbled, forgetting that he could not breathe, he fumbled for the few quarters in his pocket, opened the door and stood there…

He stood there… stood there as his world caved in before his very eyes… with one thought firing within the vault of his skull! But no words, no thoughts came now… He just stood there… staring at the empty space where the phone should have been. Yanked from its rightful place. Drained… he banged his fist against the box of the phone. Again and again and again and again and again! He kicked the door, the metal. He screamed… blood curdling scream… it echoed it did. No hope this time. Why…? Why…? He thought. “Tiff....” through the crying, “ I’m sorry Tiff! I’m so sorry! Sorryyy… TIFF!”

And he couldn’t stand any longer… inundated… overwhelmed… he passed into blackness… and fell unconscious…

When he awoke, it was colder, colder than it had ever been around him, he shivered. Jared looked up to the sky to see the dark blue hue, no moon not even stars, just the strangest blue the world felt relentless again. And then like a flood gate opened, he remembered. Tiff. She had gone, just like everything else in his life that he had pulled to himself. The emptiness was maddening, and the pain swelling out from the primordially tortured soul. He picked himself up and walked back to where Tiff lay. Solemn stare, not a flicker of a thought, just pain, the unjust pain, the evil pain. And just that one prick, a smaller kind of pain to rid the bigger more primeval pain.

Up ahead, blue and red flashed, an ambulance and a police patrol car. People in yellow coats, people in white clothing. They were taking his Tiff away, he knew because her arm tattooed with his name protruded out of the white sheet that covered the stretcher she laid on. And he looked down at his own forearm, “Tiff” with flowers around it. The flowers were dying… rotting away… they moved, he saw them move… rotting on his arm… he tried rubbing them off, but they were eating at him, rotting him from the inside… corroding his heart. Making him vacant all over again.

He knew what had to be done. This pain had to be fixed… Big D… he would fix him up. Big D… money… he had none… and he saw Tiff in his mind, just a flash, black straight hair covering her pretty face, grey eyes… money… he thought… hungry… the pain! Big D would understand……………………………………………..

“Sorry kid… Ju ain’t gettin no powder if ju ain’t got tha doe…” Big D said as he him self bent down and snorted the devils dust. Jared was shaking… pain… the cramps… his skin crawling with remembrance of Tiff… the itchy rotting flowers were going to devour him if he didn’t get any…

“Big D… I promise I’ll pay up… just a little… and I’ll pay you tonight.” The place smelt like sweat and like the smell of water that’s been left to stand for too long.

Big D stared at him, knew he could not take any chances, market was tight… but inside he knew Jared had no hope… and he felt sorry for him… and himself…

“Please…”, Jared reiterated, controlling his tone, “I’ll pay you double!! Just this one time”

Big D waved his had, a grave no, and Jared was being hurtled out onto the street, he kicked, he panicked, and he cried… then he begged outside the metal doors, locked forever… only until he got the cash…

He saw across the street, the car pull up and the lady get in, horrid looking lady… the trade that was common in these parts.

A different corner he turned… the bridge… he walked right to the edge… and he looked over… the street below… dirty… he had to make the jump… and then he heard… the car… he turned and saw a man… thin… the car passed him… but stopped a few yards ahead… the car reversed… the window dropped down… it was a nice car… black… a big car… “You lookin for a lift kid” said the hoarse voice from inside… his face covered by shadows…

Jared knew the connotations of those six words… and they rang inside his head, echoed back and forth… he stood there, turned now fully towards the car… he waited… thinking… searching for an answer. Was this the only way? He questioned.

“Maybe you don’t need a lift after all”, the man said… and just as the window was closing…

“Wait!”, Jared paused, “I… I … D-do… need a lift…”

“Get in the back”

And so he did… and they drove, quietly, “You hungry?” he asked.

Through the rear view mirror he nodded… and the man turned briefly to put a half eaten sandwich in his hands. Maybe after all he wasn’t going to do the obvious maybe he would help him, just give him some money and be gone. What a kind man he would be? He pondered. The bread was hard, and the meat cold but he was not complaining.

They headed into the city, now Jared was no boy, at 15, he had the demeanor of a full grown man in his prime. Hair black straight but wavy and his eyes a green brown.

They pulled up to a nice, but fancy three story house. The man turned again, this time for a longer while, “this ain’t my house, I just work for them rich pricks… lookin after them car and house…” Jared was wiping the crumbs of the corner of his lips…

“So how much you takin??”

Jared’s stomach lurched… his heart made the final dive… money… pain… Tiff… the prickly pain… the much need prickly pain…

“A hun-n-dred…” he stuttered.

“Ill give you twenty…”

“Seventy…?”

“Kid… this ain’t a negotiation, take it or leave this car!”

Jared stared wide eyed… blinked… he was bargaining for his soul… he could not believe the situation unfolding before him… his battered bruised soul… torn… he didn’t need it anymore… Tiff was… gone… and the leather crackled in some far niche of his brain. The pain… the unbearable pain!

“OK…” sadness but it would be over when he went back to Big D…

The man got out and opened the main door, and led him to the basement…

The pain… more now but he was going to be alright… just this one time… just a while longer… it would be all over… he cried… He couldn’t walk properly… because the pain in his ribs was so bad… the man had hit him hard in the side…

“Here’s the twenty,” the man stretched out his arm. Fishing again in the wallet… “and ten more for being a good fuck! Now FUCK OFF! You fucking fagot!” he snarled.

He walked out… onto the street… he stood he didn’t know what he had just done… the man screamed from the window, “Get the fuck outa here!!”

He did as he was told… thirty bucks… Big D would deal now… the pain… he felt something churn… and with a forward jerk he emptied his insides… vomit… onto the pavement… another bout.. and another… he wiped his face with the torn sleeve… and the pain… this time like a million needles poking from inside of him… Little did he know he did this this too many times to be accounted for…

* * *

“Big D… its me Jared! Open UP! I have the cash!!”

The door opened a slight bit allowing space enough for him to squeeze through. Inside he was pushed hard to the floor… kicked again on the same side as that man had injured him. He screamed for them to let him go but they didn’t… suddenly a bellow from far down the corridor… “Bring the bitch in!”

“Ju wan the coppas to come eh!?”, Big D spat. “Whach you wan now?”

“Some blow…”, Jared couldn’t open his eyes anymore… the left one in particular. Blurred vision but Big D’s sinewy was still visible. The thirty dollars fell to the floor. For a second he was forgetting what pain felt worse than the pain without the prickly pain.

“Jeeze! You ain’t got no doe for blow bitch!”, Big D reached for something behind the tatty sofa, a brown bag. “Ju can only get two of deez… you wan em?”

Jared now on his knees, his shoulders too tired he flopped his head in a nod.

Big D threw the bag at Jared, “Now don’t be comin bak ere! And tell that bitch Tiff when you see her that I won’t be dealin her nothin’ if she don’t give me none… Ju got dat shit boy”

The imaginary sound of leather cutting through the air, he grabbed the bag, “She’s dead!” And he limped out of there. Silence…

He breathed the cool air, his ribs hurt… his legs fatigued… muscles engorged with lactic acid… the pins… the needles… his eyes watered… tears mixed with blood. Silence all around him… Tiff… pain… sweat on his brow felt cool… things will get better soon… Some recess far away in his head, spoke to him…

“I am here”

Tiff…

“Yes… I am here…”

Why?

“Don’t you want me here?”

I do.

“Walk with me…”

Ok.

Tiff I miss you so much… why did you leave me…

“I love you”

“Tell me why you left me here!”, this time he screamed out aloud.

“I am still here… talking to you aren’t I?”

No but your not here. I can’t see you. I can’t feel you. I miss you Tiff!

“And I miss you too! Go to the bridge… do u remember the bridge…? where we slept…?”

Yes.

“I am there.”

You are?

“Yes… C’mon now…”

Jared walked to where his mind led him… the bridge where they slept… in the cold… together… Tiff was going to be there… Madness consumed every nerve, every fiber of his body! He didn’t even realize it. Slowly but only steadily his grip of realness was slipping through his hands. Its strange what kind of madness can do this to you. He felt pain… hurt… sick… he let another somebody desecrate his body… his soul… insanity was creeping in… pain… the prickly pain much more required than this one! Yes that is what Big D had given him. Hurt killers. Two of them.

The bridge was here… he was standing there under it… where he was supposed to. Tiff is here. Somewhere but where… Tears… blood… Madness…

“Tiff I’m here!!”, he called out.

But no answer came his way… not the one he was hoping for. Sanity spoke…

“I’m dying Jaaared… dying….”

He cried and he shuffled in the bag to bring out the yellowy injections…

“No! Your not dying! YOU’R NOT!!! AAAAAH !!!”, shaking now uncontrollably…

A prick… the blood just a bit drawn up… now flowing in him like liquid fire…

“I’m here Jared… right here… turn around… I’m behind… up”

He whirled around

“Right here Jared! Can’t you see me?”

Tiff… stop it… sanity spoke… insanity demanded …

“Where Tiff? Where? Are you there? You are? Where? I cant see you! Don’t go!”

“Jared! Don’t play games! I love you! Aren’t you going to hold me…? aren’t you going to play with my hair? I love you!”

Tiff!

He began his walk… leaving the other Harry needle behind… topside he must go to find Tiff… She’s waiting there…

On the bridge… blurs… fades… swaying on his feet looking into nothing… lights ahead…

It’s a car, it pulls up… red one this car was… pretty car… Tiff…

“You lookin for a ride?”, new words but they meant the same…

Jared stared into the car… but in his head he saw Tiff… she was there… were this car was going to take him…

“I’m coming”, he said.

“Good.”

He got in… “take me to Tiff… please…”

“Sure Tiff is here”, he lied… but Jared didn’t care… nor did he know…

“You look pretty banged up? You awright?”

“Huh… Tiff…?”

This man only thought he wouldn’t have to pay for this nice looking boy, now that he was completely out of it… free pleasure… not often comes by… he felt lucky the son of a bitch…!

Sitting on the back seat… the world around him flickered… black now light… black now light… black… now green… grass… happiness… coolness yet the warmth in his insides… so much light… no pain… where’s the pain…? Voices sang… he was floating… flying… New sensation… he liked it a lot. He smiled… and then he remembered… not Tiffany but Mum…

“Mom………………….”

Like that he slipped into where I cannot go… but he is there some place… now safe… for I have cried to many tears for him. And he has told me his tale too many a time….

* * *
News of her sons death reached her 6 months later… Samantha was so little… the took her away… they did… because Maggie was now gravely ill with her own world crumbling and slipping beneath her feet… mentally ill… psychosis of the severest kind… and now Jared and everybody else lived inside of her head… He’s graduating with honors… he’s got a wife… she’s got grandchildren… Samantha is there too… she’s happy… she makes her happy always… her husband loves her… loves his children… things are pretty…

Now eight years hence… Samantha takes care of her.

Samantha… who loves her… she knew her mother was not really talking about Jared graduating… There where visitors outside…

It was Mrs. Betty from next door…

Maggie looked up…. Her face lit up and a smile broke upon her aged face….

“Would you like some tea?”, she asked………………………………..

-The End

2005-05-03T09:40:00.000-07:00

...the core of darkness...

Recess Files... Contd...

2005-05-03T09:09:00.000-07:00

When i was reflecting... :)

From darkness we were born…
Into darkness we shall go…
And in between there is choice…
There is the ability to submit…
There is the capacity to accept…
There is always time to embrace…
And a path to retrace…
A lesson to be learnt…
There is love to be shared…
There is much to be gained…
There is always a hand to be lent…
And a moment to cherish
An utterance before we perish…

2005-04-29T16:14:00.000-07:00

....web me senseless....

Recess Files... Contd..

2005-04-29T15:26:00.000-07:00

Id like to savour this one... my fallibilty...

Take a minute…
Take an hour…

Try not to understand this quagmire...
Take it back now…
Your lies…
Your deceit...
Give me back those precious moments…
Because all this time you plotted…
To savour my defeat…
Little did you know…
That you had already won…

With the very first strand of this web you had spun…

2005-04-27T18:21:00.000-07:00

my clouds....

Eternity of fate

2005-04-27T18:07:00.000-07:00

My fate twists and turns… there is no reason… there is no why… the drums beat against my ears… closing my eyes doesn’t help… the flower I see in the distance… burning but beautiful… must get there but I don’t know how… the voices call I wish not to hear them but they persist… reach out and I cry for help… close my eyes and open them… the fields before me green in their splendor, tall to my waist flowing in the silent breeze… with every sway a different hue I see… I sit on a rock and ponder with a dying mind… be here forever I want… tears of absolution threaten to come… my heart at peace and my mind finally at rest… resistance lost… the tears flow… no I will not leave I scream… my voice echos into the nothingness I fear looked down at me… I get up from my rock and begin the walk… my hands ever so gently caress the tips of the stalks… where am I headed… yet I keep walking… it comes I feel it in my core… what it is I know not… but keep walking I must… to meet my fate in this meadow of infinity… here I am once again… at the edge of a steep cliff… at the precipice of my fears… the water below so calm… not a wave… not a glimmer of a ripple… spreading my arms I fall… the water draws near… nearer… and nearer… the final moment of truth… the eventual splash… and then nothing like I presumed… encompassed… surrounded… belittled…

this was a partial dream... some elements of it...

2005-04-25T18:07:00.000-07:00

thought this pics went very appropriately with the composition below... :)

Recess Files... Contd...

2005-04-25T17:58:00.000-07:00

One of my new ones... :)

As I soar into the sky…
As I plunge into the clouds…
As I fly so effortlessly…
As I fall so gracefully…
As I ascend the planes…
As I plummet to the ground…
And when I open my eyes…
You are still here…
And I’m still sane…

aimless ramblings....

2005-04-23T18:14:00.000-07:00

Everyone of us reaches out... into nothing... hopefull that we'll find something we could hold close and maybe love... a thing to validate our existance... its truely the way we were designed... trying to connect... to make that connetion that seems so insignificant yet is so integral... connected to that ethereal plane too we hold true to our beliefs... that eventually we will be found... by who or what? I know not... so lets just say something... but from the nothingness that we were created from stems the carnal desire to be understood... so which is it... being found or understood? But what good is understanding anyways... the complexities are far to multifaceted to hold any meaning in the end so it would take an eternity to understand something so trivial as a grain of sand let alone a human being...
then i guess being "found" matters more than being understood... u find love... u find hope... u find friendship... you find companionship... and reasoning goes out the window... no need to understand something so primal... giving in and making the connection... reaching out again... this time praying to dear God that something grab ahold of us before we fall into the void once again... but what really helps the process... what? Do we just accept the hand that is offered to us and hold on tight? Or do we wait.. think about it and maybe try and understand it...??
by the time all the questions are answered and the dust settled... wouldnt it be too late...? there it goes that one hand that could have found you! and you wasted your time trying to grasp connotations of no particular importance... feelings of being found lost forever... another kink in the chain... weakened again... all those connections made in vain... so it is once again down to the way we were created that we are a questioning lot... all of us breaking tiny things in to "whys" "hows" and "whens" regarless of consequence... seems alright at first but are you willing to have those questions answered at the risk of loosing those valuable connections... those connections that help define the proverbial meaning of "being found" or would u rather be lost...

Recess Files... Contd...

2005-04-23T14:14:00.000-07:00

When the heart in my chest is ready to explode…
When the blood in my veins runs to slow…
When my tears run dry…
When my limbs go numb…
When there is no air in my lungs…
When my mind screams…
Maybe this is just a bad dream....
When my spirit is broken…
By the words you’ve spoken…
I close my eyes and let it wash over me…
The peace… maybe the love…
And the reassuring hope of finding myself…

Recess Files... Contd...

2005-04-21T16:34:00.000-07:00

I wrote this 2 nights ago... its very fairy tale-ish... but it made me smile after i read it... and after i wrote it as well... certain kind of satisfaction you get from ryhmes huh?? :)

A long long time time ago…
In the corners of a kingdom far far away…
There lived a butterfly…
Tis was the most beautiful butterfly in all the land…
And he lived high up up in a sycamore tree thath hath be so grand…
Every now and every then, that butterfly would flutter down down to the dandelions below…
And every time it visited, the next day a new flower should grow…
Tis was the magic of the most beautiful butterfly…
Thath lived in a sycamore tree so grand…
But if you must know, that if the most beautiful butterfly should go…
All the colour and all the splendor it would never bestow…
Behold the magic of the most beautiful butterfly and the sycamore tree so grand…
But the time of the butterfly would soon be at and end…
Bringeth with it a future with no mend…
Tis was the folly of a foolish greedy man…
Who thought he could rule the rich kingdom with an iron hand…
With his battalion, he did descend…
But the peaceful kingdom could not defend…
They hath slaughtered the people and gathered the few…
For they should be burnt upon the morning dew…
Tied to that sycamore they begged, they cried…
“burn us not here for these lands would go dry…
as lives in this tree the magical butterfly”
to this the doltish plunderer did bellow a laugh…
who would have thought a man this daft…
and so when burnt to cinders was the sycamore tree…
the magical butterfly did flee…
thenceforth a mysterious plague hath consumed the land,
dried up the river it did and and turned all the gold to sand…
cry he would for the folly of his ways…
prayed, he did for the magical butterfly to return to the end of his days…

the moral of the poem: wotever seems appropriate... to me its "never take a magical butterfly lightly... and never laff at anything u dont understand... and dont burn trees!!":)

2005-04-21T06:34:00.000-07:00

the butterfly that be...

2005-04-19T21:07:00.000-07:00

...the release...

Recess Files...conted...

2005-04-19T21:00:00.000-07:00

another sumthing i wrote... :)

Waiting for the release…
From the realness of you and the absurdity of me…
Waiting to be led…
Into the depths of you and the abyss of me…
Waiting to feel…
The closeness of you and the pain of me…
Waiting…
For you, no longer for me.

2005-04-16T19:42:00.000-07:00

Angels a fallin...

Recess Files...

2005-04-16T18:27:00.001-07:00

Wrote this myself :)

As I fall into the arms
Of god…
The sky turns blue…
The clouds funnel…
The light shines…
I smile…
My wings fan…
And all is still…
The return of my will…
‘Not now’ I say
‘Just when I’ve learnt to fly away’